Friday, August 26, 2011

Top 5 Reasons Crom Is Better Than Your God


Yes, the new Conan movie bombed despite actually being good, but Crom laughs at your box office! Crom cares not for your critics with their unfresh tomatoes! Crom is mighty! Mightier, and greater, than your god, no matter what god you worship. Here are the top reasons why:

1: Your god claims to intervene on your behalf, but then does nothing. Crom’s followers waste not their time with idle prayers! Crom is an honest god! He admits he cares not for your prayers, only your valour in combat!

2: Your god demands devotion, time, money, but Crom cares not for your sacrifices or worship! In fact, Crom’s followers know better than to disturb him for small things like sporting events, for his wrath upon disturbance is often great indeed. Crom only cares that you know the Riddle of Steel, and then if you do, he lets you into Valhalla, where you may dine with the greatest of heroes who have ever lived.

3: Your god inspires much music, and almost all of it terrible. Crom has not inspired much, for all who know Crom knows he smites the unworthy, but what has been offered has been glorious gifts to mankind! BEHOLD! Conan the Musical! Basil Poledouris’ soundtrack to Conan the Barbarian! And of course, the music of the only band worthy of the name Crom! Compare that to the music of your god. Crom laughs at your poor hymns! Laughs from his mountain, surrounded by metal of the heaviest kind.

4: When you die, your god judges your whole life and denies you paradise if you fail. Even the followers of the Aquilonian god Mitra, known to modern men as “Christians”, claim they have a simple test of belief in Jesus, but then claim if you don’t follow a myriad of rules, you fail the test. Crom judges all on his mountain, and asks but one question. “What is the Riddle of Steel?” He may also ask you what is best in life, but that would only be for first choice of mead and wenches. And the Riddle of Steel’s answer has been given away in a popular movie, so if you lack the wisdom to figure it out on your own, you can still get in by knowledge of the ancient film of Milius.

5: If you cannot live up to your god’s standards, your god will almost certainly cast you into a realm of great torment, or reincarnate you as a lesser being. Crom only laughs at you and casts you out of Valhalla. Crom is cruel, but even he has limits to the pain he will inflict. Yea, Crom's devils are more merciful than your god! Even the wisest of your wise men cannot defeat this logic!

Bonus for Christians only
: When constructing your ancient holy tome and deciding which gospels to allow in, according to the magical repository of knowledge known as Wikipedia, the foolish bishop Irenaeus of Lyons “declared that the four he espoused [which became canon] were the four "Pillars of the Church": "it is not possible that there can be either more or fewer than four" he stated, presenting as logic the analogy of the four corners of the earth and the four winds (3.11.8)” But Crom laughs at your four winds. Laughs from his mountain.

11 comments:

  1. Hell was made for satan and his followers. God desires that all come to Him. Because He's a God of free will/agency, He will not force us to come to Him but His heart cry out to us to come home to Him. Just look at yourself as a parent/Father. If your sons/daughters rebel against you heading to destructive lives. Even though you love them & wanted them to come home to you so that they can have a better life or LIFE, but there's nothing you can really do unless they decided for themselves whether they want to turn around & seek for help from their loving Father. God is the same way, His desires is that all will come to him but even God can not make that decision for us or else He will not be God. Satan however works the opposite, he comes to steal, kill and destroy. he forces on you and take over your life. Our God is Just & Gentleman. He doesn't forces on anyone. The door is open for us to come to Him 24/7 through His Son Jesus Christ. Who paid the price for your rebellious & mine with His precious blood. That is our bridge/way to God. There is no other way. If God the Father did not love us He would not send His only begotten Son to save human race. He loves that's why He gave His most precious procession-Jesus. What kind of person would do that for another person/people. God is not a man. He is love. He's the author and finisher of love and forgiveness. John 3:16 " For God so love the world that He gave His one & only Son, whosoever believe even die will have an everlasting life. I don't know about you i want that life that will last forever and i want that love that will go on forever & i want my spirit to live forever and ever with my friends and family. So for those that wants it will have it- not hard at all & it's FREE!!! It's been purchased by the blood of Jesus. So it is up to us whether we want life or not. At the end it's up to you to choose even God can't choose it for you! I chose that life almost 7 yrs ago and no one can tell me or take that believe away from me that Jesus is not real. I will die for my Faith. I am a living testimony that God loves and He is Love and His love is Jesus. If you haven't met Jesus than your love is carnal/from this world. Jesus said there's no other love greater than a man lay down His/his life for a friend. And that what Jesus did for you and me, my friend. I don't know anyone/god yet that willing to die for you. But rather want you to die for him-do you???

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  2. I have a question….
    Ben weren't you happier when you believed there was a god?
    When you believed that there was more to life than just living until you cease to live. That any trouble you were experiencing in your life wasn't 100% your fault based on decisions made by you. That though times were hard today but with faith that they may be better tomorrow.

    Atheism seems like a very bleak existence. I'm surprised that you have chosen it.

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  3. Well, Anon, I wasn't happier when I believed. Maybe you saw that this was a joke post? As in, sort of happy.
    Also, how happy an idea looks doesn't affect its correctness. I would be happy if I had a billion dollars, but that doesn't make it true.

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  4. If it makes you happy it can't be that bad…...

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  5. lol, you christfag anons

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  6. Crom laughs at christian freaks

    :)

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  7. A truelly omniscient god wouldn't keep track of how often you masturbate or why. A super intelligent being wouldn't be plagued by emotions like jealousy or love. A truelly credible God would let nature and time crush the weak sparing none to cultivate the strong. The god portrayed in the christian Hebrew and Muslim books, is petty, childish, and sexually confused just like these douchebags. Crom is likely the closest thing to a real God.
    I am not an atheist but believe in non biological macrocosmic intelligence as a byproduct of systemic complexity and compared to my theoretical God the christian paradigm describes a fairy or sprite at best. All hail CROM! INDIFFERENT UNIVERSAL MACROSENTIENT BAD ASS!!!

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  8. Crooked by name��

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  9. Crooked by name��

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  10. Two times��

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